Working with Whānau of Neurodivergent Learners

We all want to work alongside whānau in ways that are respectful, productive and caring. But sometimes, and especially when a learner is experiencing stress, those relationships can feel challenging… conversations can get intense and emotions can run high. Miscommunication can obscure everyone’s best intentions. Like you, we’ve been exploring ways to work together with whānau of our neurodivergent learners and diving into diverse examples of effective practice - here are some of our top tips.

Understanding Different Perspectives

As educators, we inherently understand our own perspectives. We hear from ‘what’s on top’ from many of you - we hear you! It’s also important that we understand the perspectives of whānau, who are often experiencing psycho-social stress, including frustration, isolation, their own workload, parenting concerns, and most likely, understanding their own neurodivergence as well. Some families also experience ‘predictive’ stress - anticipating that things will go wrong because they often have. This can also unfortunately all build up as cumulative trauma due to repeated negative experiences, including from their own childhoods, with schools, systems, or professionals.

So when a parent is ‘pushy’ or ‘overly emotional’, it may not be because they’re wanting to be difficult, it may be because they’ve learned they need to be in order to be heard.

Just as we honour the lived experiences of neurodivergent learners, we also need to understand and honour the lived experiences of whānau, by: 

• Listening with open curiosity, rather than making assumptions or being defensive

• Looking for patterns in responses over time, rather than taking a ‘one conversation and it’s all done’ approach 

• Responding with care and empathy, even when things are tough.
  

When we approach whānau with openness, we change the dynamic. We become allies.

Working From Connection, to Communication, to Collaboration

Working well with whānau isn’t about a single, important meeting. It’s a layered and long-term process, building over time. 

1. Start with Connection

Build a warmly supportive connection relationship before there’s any hint of sticking points arising. Share positive stories, not just work samples. Assume that like you, parents have the very best intentions at heart.

2. THEN Add Communication

Start with some listening conversations, not ‘telling’ conversations. Be curious, open-minded and information-seeking. Ask what might help, what works and what doesn’t! Don’t dive straight into logistics or fixes. Take your time, and in turn, ask for time to think about next steps. 

3. THEN Move into Collaboration

Once you have a great connection and open, curious communication, then start collaborating - be a team player WITH parents. Be clear and direct, and offer suggestions or solutions rather than barriers. 

A Tool to Try: OARS

The OARS framework is used internationally with neurodivergent families, as well as in other contexts. These ideas can guide you through more tricky conversations:

• Open-ended questions - ask an open question, affirm the response, ask another one!

• Affirm strengths - eg “It’s clear you have a really warm relationship” or “There’s great thinking in what you've shared"

• Reflect back and extend - eg “I heard you say xyz… can you tell me more”

• Summarise to check clarity - eg “Am I right in thinking that…” or “Can I check this with you…”

It’s simple, adaptable and builds connection, communication and collaboration. 

Creating Neuroinclusive School Communities

If we want schools to be places where neurodivergent learners thrive, whānau need to feel they belong too.

That might look like:

• Starting a whānau rōpū (group) where parents can connect with each other

• Hosting a family hui with shared kai and no fixed agenda

• Listening without needing to fix

Sometimes the biggest shift we can make is stepping back and making space.

Final Thoughts

When we truly listen, connect, and collaborate, we not only support individual learners more easily and effectively, we also restore trust in the whole system, which supports everyone. In this way, we build a more neuroinclusive school system, one conversation at a time.